More jokes from Alive Network

A small selection of jokes sent in by bands and web site visitors.......

Two men are standing on the edge of a cliff, one has a budgie on each shoulder. The other has a parrot on one shoulder. The first jumps off the cliff and halfway down the budgies fly off, he hits the ground with a thud and is barely alive as he rolls around groaning upon the rocks. The second man jumps off the cliff and half way down the parrot flies off, the man reaches into his jacket and pulls out a shotgun and shoots the parrot just before he lands upon the rocks. As they both lie there in pain the first man comments "I don't think much of this Budgie jumping" The other replies "I don't think much of this free fall parrot shooting either".

Simon meets this woman who he really, really likes and the time comes round for him to meet her parents. Sitting outside her parents house in the car, she says, "Look, there's something I better warn you about, ok? My parents are both deaf and dumb, and they have their own special way of communicating. I just don't want you to be shocked, ok?" Feeling even more nervous, Simon walks up the path and into the house with some trepidation. The couple walk into the kitchen. Nothing could have prepared him for what he was about to see. There was the girl's mother, with her skirt up around her hips, shoving a bottle into her fanny, while the father was standing, with his bollocks on the table and his eyes pinned open by matchsticks. The girl is obviously embarrassed, and says, "I suppose I ought to translate...well, my mother's saying 'Get the beers in, you c**t,' and my father's reply is 'Bollocks, I'm watching the match.'

A blonde goes into a hardware shop and asks for a hinge. The guy behind the counter asks her if she would like a screw for the hinge. She replies; "no, but I'll give you a blow job for that hoover!"

Little ten-year-old Freddie goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a wealthy Hampshire farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is f*****g the cow!" Uncle John is highly embarrassed by his nephew's language and, taking young Freddie aside, explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow' - not some filth that you've picked up in the playground," he says.
A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you, Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not cows. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time, you know…" "Yes, he can!" replies his obstinate nephew. "He's f*****g the horse!"

Tom Thumb, Snow White and the Elephant man are having a conversation. Tom Thumb says to the others "I think I’m the smallest man in the world", Snow White replies, "I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world", and so the elephant man says, "I must be the ugliest man in the world". So they decide to go and see the wisest man in the world to see if they are right. Tom Thumb emerges and says "I was right, I am the smallest man in the world". Snow White emerges and says " I was also right, I’m the most beautiful woman in the world". The elephant man then comes out and says, "Who the f**k is Peter Beardsley".

A 40 year old woman walks into a sex aid shop, and says to the shop owner: 'D-d do you s-s-sell vibrators?' 'Yes madam, we do' replies the man. 'D-d do you s-s-sell them th-this big?' she asks, holding her hands about 12 inches apart. 'Yes, we sell them that big'. 'D-d do you s-s-sell them th-this w-wide?' she asks, holding her hands about 4 inches apart. 'Yes, we sell them that wide' 'D-d do you ha-have them with b-batteries?' 'Yes we do' 'W-well, how the f-f-f**k do you t-t-turn them off!!'